Out With Lanterns Looking For Myself
Ruminations on the cyclical nature of self-doubt
In the ocean that is capitalism, being a freelance illustrator can often feel like being an island. And on this island, waves of self-doubt coming ashore is a natural part of the order of things. Lately I’ve been caught in an eddy of these feelings, turning over and over in a closed loop.
Self-doubt can weave its way in when work is slow or at a complete stand-still. It can also be present and stifling while working on some of the biggest jobs of my career. Every time I sit down to start on a new piece, I find myself pushing through the self-doubt that’s woven tightly into the core of my process in order to turn an idea into a visual solution.
While I’ve been marinating this pool of self-doubt, life hasn’t stopped. I’ve been pushing through it in order to work on jobs, hoping that my clients don’t sense anything different about the illustrations that I create. I also set aside some time to work on a personal piece that feels especially relevant for the headspace that I’m in. Processing difficult or intense feelings by creating has always been an illuminating exercise for me and a way to find release, whether it’s through illustration or writing this newsletter.
I drew this illustration in 2018, exploring the theme of motivation through the image of an office worker yearning to find something more meaningful beyond society’s perceived markers of success.
I originally wanted to just redraw this illustration to be able to see through direct comparison how my style has changed over time, like I’ve done before with this Frida Kahlo portrait. But I ended up getting frustrated and honestly bored by the prospect of doing the same illustration again. So I decided to set this original idea aside, restart with the core concept and allow myself to approach it completely differently. Giving myself this space was freeing and I took an entirely different path, ending up instead with something more like a redraw in spirit rather than in practice. An exercise in letting go and trusting the process.
While sketching this new idea out I was listening to On Being with Krista Tippett, the episode interviewing adrienne maree brown (recommended by my bestie Diana Nguyễn). In this episode, adrienne talks about radical imagination, moving towards life and the effectiveness of activism that evolves over time. While these topics are not necessarily in line with the self-doubt I’ve been struggling with, I still found grains of wisdom that I resonated with while working on this piece. The realization that I don’t need to continue doing the same thing over and over again if it doesn’t work out. Maybe a more useful thing to do is to scrap everything entirely and find completely new solutions.
After almost 10 years of working as an illustrator (which is wild to think about), one thing that I know with absolute certainty is that self-doubt will never go away. For one reason or another it will resurface. But in the same way, I know it will eventually fade. That knowledge is reassuring, but it definitely doesn’t make this feeling any less scary. I can’t change the fact that I’ll feel self-doubt, but I can change the way that I react to it. I can let myself feel it, and I can also allow myself to move through it to propel myself forward. I can seek to better understand myself and what I’m capable of every time the cycle of self-doubt starts again.
adrienne maree brown said it perfectly in the On Being episode mentioned above:
“Everything dies, but that’s kind of good. It makes for a very rich world. All the richness, all that fecundity, all that beautiful miracle of life; it happens because we live in cycles, not perpetuity.”
I definitely don’t have the answers as to how to quickly snap out of a state of self-doubt (especially as I’m currently still in the thick of it), but I do have a few ways of staying afloat while you’re looking for a hint of coastline in the distance:
Know that this will pass eventually, and that pushing through cycles of self-doubt helps to propel growth.
Turn worry into action: make a new portfolio piece, make something you would never put in your portfolio just for fun, promote your work, reach out to new and old clients.
Look outwards for sources of inspiration: go on a long walk, visit that exhibit you’ve been meaning to go to, put that album you love on replay and note how it makes you feel, plan a sketchbook date with friends. Seek any and all opportunities to refill your creative cup.
Surround yourself with people who inspire you to evolve, to grow and become a better version of yourself.
The title of this newsletter is a stolen quote from Emily Dickinson. She originally wrote “I am out with lanterns, looking for myself” in a letter to a friend describing how it felt to exist in the chaotic aftermath of having just moved (it’s almost 200 years later and I can relate on a molecular level). When read as a metaphor, this line feels very much like the journey that I’ve been on and will continue to be on for the rest of my life. To be able to know and to trust myself is something I’m continuously learning, because the person that I am continues to change as every year passes.
Admittedly I am and always have been afraid of the dark, but I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other knowing I can light my own way.
✦ Recommendations ✦
The Creative Peptalk Podcast - Maggie Smith: I previously recommended this podcast episode in May of 2023 when I started this newsletter, and I’m back to re-recommend it because I found solace in it again. It’s a reassuring listen if you want to learn to lean into uncertainty and fear. Returning to this episode is further proof to myself that these feelings I grapple with are cyclical!
NIKI’s new album Buzz was basically the soundtrack of the illustration above, I’ve had it on repeat since it released last week. Lots of time wasted jamming to this and staring into space instead of focusing on finishing this newsletter oops!
Dìdi (弟弟) written and directed by Sean Wang. This film is a hyperspecific portrait of what it’s like being a 13 year-old Taiwanese American boy growing up in the Bay Area in 2008. Of all the Asian American coming of age media that’s come out in recent years, it’s almost always been from the perspective of girls/young women so this was a refreshing change. There’s also so many nostalgic easter eggs for anyone who was a teenager in the late 2000s. I desperately miss when the internet felt like a weird little corner to hang out in instead of the all-consuming black hole that it is now. Sean perfectly captures what it feels like to be an awkward teen at that moment in time, and it also serves as a love letter to immigrant parents who are just doing their best.
This is such a nourishing read, Christina. I've been struggling with self-doubt lately too and it's never-not refreshing to hear that someone else is as well. Thank you!
I've been struggling with self-doubt ever since the start of the year! I oscillate wildly between thinking that I'm a sham and a genius (lol). I try to tell myself that feeling challenged/inadequate is part of the process. If we are unchallenged, then it might mean we are not going to new places in our practice. I say "I try to tell myself," because I often forget.